However many times I have tried to move away from grief tending in the past, the whispers call me back to this work. Recently I've been showing up a little more deliberately, consistently, honestly on this beautiful Substack platform. Enjoying the gentler pace, less overstimulation and softer voices. And while there's no particular agenda, there is definitely a sense of if not now, when?
It's gorgeous to see new faces, beautiful names, people, real people, joining this much needed conversation. I don't take it for granted each person who chooses to follow along with this journey of deepening into the underworld of grief, loss and longing. Each one of you opening yourself up to grief, to the cycle of death, purification, rebirth and integration.
This week a friend wrote to me to tell me of a trip he'd just had to Dartmoor where he'd received a message from a tawny owl to speak his truth, the truth of how he wishes to live his life and how he intends to move through the world. At some point I may be blessed to hear his words and mirror them back to him. For now, it reminded me of the power of speaking our intentions into the void, of co-creating our world with every word, gesture and step.
So I thought I would share a little with you today, why am I here doing this grief tending work? Why am I pouring my energy into this little corner of the internet? Why am I devoted to offering forwards the gifts I have so gratefully received?
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I am here to be a torchbearer. To walk towards you with truth in my heart that the world needs us to grieve. To shine whatever light I've been given so that it may light up the path for anyone else called to join. To hold my hands high and say that although I do not know, I am willing to try.
I am here to be a space-holder. To offer you a new way to grieve that welcomes every part of your broken, brave, bruised heart. To create beautiful spaces to retreat and heal and gather in ceremony and ritual. To collaborate with incredible teachers and offer you a holistic way of holding grief.
I am here to be a mirror. To reflect back to you the truths that you already know in your heart. To put our shared longings into words so that we may hold them as both an anchor and a horizon.
Perhaps I am also here to make you uncomfortable, to talk about things you'd rather not look at, to name the multitude of griefs in our world - both individual and collective. But in doing so I invite you back home to yourself, to a fuller experience of life and the possibility of renewal.
I am here to learn. To remember every day that the more I know, the less I know. To bow down in humility in the presence of your unique story, your extraordinary human life. To claw at the earth in reverence and agony, sorrowful for all I've done in ignorance. To do my own little part, to un-learn, re-learn and re-member.
I am here to listen and respond. To be quiet enough, often enough to find that sacred still place inside of me that connects to you. To only offer myself from this place of truth and alignment. To devote myself to holding the highest prayer of peace and liberation for all.
This, my love, is why I'm here in this strange vortex of the online world. Showing up as a torchbearer, spaceholder, mirror, always learning, listening and responding.
Why, then… are you here? I would love to know.
I’m here because I've seen how tending to my grief has allowed me to show up more fully in all my relationships—whether with myself, others, or life itself.
I'm here because I want to connect with the deepest parts of who I am while holding space for others in their own shadows.
I'm here because I recognize the power of reflecting on the past to live fully in the present, appreciating what is, while also looking ahead to a future I care about.
Thanks to you, I’m learning to dance with grief, anticipation, and every emotion in between. Thank you for being here too!
I am here because I feel grief in my heart and only truly know that is when I allow it to manifest itself and I share it with another, or with others. I’m here on this Substack page as I’m sometimes nervous of sharing my grief, yet when I do I feel grateful for the holding space and those who hold it, and I appreciate myself for my courage in sharing. Having shared recently I am reminded of what matters to me, what deeply value, and how strongly I feel that death should be spoken of more openly. I am approaching my own death and through opening to that reality I feel more fully alive and love the vitality I experience.
And finally I am here because I appreciate you Nici and what you offer to us who grief.